Pregnancy after Loss

         For the last two months or so, my house has been a bustle of activity, there has been some remodeling, painting, scrubbing, more painting, organizing, re-organizing, re-arranging, clearing out, setting up. You see, I am about 37 weeks pregnant and almost every waking moment has been consumed with the preparation of my little girl’s arrival.

             Last summer my life did not look this way, it was surrounded by a darkness that I thought would never lift. That gave way slowly to the desire to bear another child, and then to the disappointment in not conceiving.  Then finally with joy and much fear the realization that we were expecting again. My little girl, who at this very moment I can feel squirm in my womb, what an incredible blessing, I cannot wait to have her here in my arms.

            Being pregnant after a loss has been nothing less than a roller coaster of emotion, the anticipation of the first kicks, the sweet relief when they finally came, and the sheer panic of not feeling them often enough. It has been a daily lesson of trusting in the Lord and realizing once again my lack of control. At this moment my body is giving life to my daughter but it is not sustaining it—the Lord is.

            When I found out I was pregnant it was just a few short weeks after what would have been my due date with my son. The first thing I realized was that my grief did not vanish, I was not somehow healed by the promise of another baby. I don’t think I consciously expected to be, but somewhere deep inside I thought it would right everything in my world. Instead I was faced with an onslaught of emotions I really didn’t know what to do with, the instant love for the new child and the profound and deep sadness of moving farther away from my son. I wanted to be excited, but didn’t want to forget our son; I didn’t want others to forget him either. I also did not want to allow myself to get too excited about the new baby, knowing that God could choose to take her as well.

            When a loved one is dies, people often put unrealistic expectations on themselves about how they should act and when, sometimes feeling guilty for allowing themselves to be happy. I have not been immune to this struggle, the truth is I can simultaneously miss and grieve our son and look forward with joy and excitement at the arrival of our daughter.  Sometimes it is not so easy to accept blessings; sometimes my heart is clouded in pessimism and I can’t see a pleasant future. The Lord wrote our season of sadness and now it seems that he is bringing us into a season of joy- we should celebrate that without the expectation of tragedy.

            Last year the Lord took our son away, this year he has given us a new little girl. He has not changed, he does not love us more now than he did then, and we did not pass some sort of test. He would be the same merciful and gracious God if he had chosen to never give us another child again or if He chose to take another one away.

“The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21