David's Hope- Then and Now

It has been an eventful year.  We "officially" had our kick-off early in 2015.  We were in the beginning stages with just a vision and some ideas on how to make things happen.  Now, a little over a year later, so much has changed...  So we wanted to take a few moments and tell you about where we were, and where we are now.

My husband and I used to be very active in the pro-life movement.  But in 2008, things began to change.  It was the fall of that year that we suffered our first miscarriage.  This was a very difficult and trying time for us; it would be followed up 18 months later with a second miscarriage.  Through this process we began to see some things we never had realized.  We learned how frequent pregnancy loss occurs- 1 in 4 pregnancies to be exact.  We realized how many families are affected by this tragedy- and how much silence there is on the issue.

Silence because there is very little offered to help those who suffer the loss of a child through miscarriage.

We heard personal stories of loss, hurt, anger, pain- many that had not been shared before.  We heard voices of frustration, hearts that had suffered- yet were unsure how to deal with the grief presented them.  Because we had been there too- our hearts hurt with familiarity and empathy.  It was through these stories, and much prayer, that the vision for David's Hope was born.

A need for outreach to families who have been through pregnancy loss was shown to us, and we became determined- through God's guidance- to do our best to address that need.  We began doing research, study, and building a plan to reach out to others, and at what we felt was the right time, we launched David's Hope.

We started off with the idea of reaching out to local families by offering naming and memorial services, certificates of life, and memory boxes.  But that quickly evolved into much more...

In the very beginning we put together, and mailed out a memory box to the daughter of a good friend.  We took some pictures of the box and posted them online in hopes to bring local awareness of what we were starting.  We did not expect what happened next...

Friends from out of state saw the pictures.  People we did not know found our facebook page and saw the pictures.  Before we knew it, what was intended to be a one time outreach for a friend blossomed into nationwide requests, from California to Maine, Washington to Florida- we have sent out over 100 memory boxes to more than 26 states, and still more requests regularly coming in!  Of course, we would not have been able to accomplish this without the many volunteers who have helped by donating finances, hand made baby blankets and other items.

Of course this is not all we have accomplished.  We have expanded from our home to an actual office, and as executive director, I took counseling classes and have obtained a license in lay counseling.  This has been helpful, as I have been able to meet and counsel women in the local area in a safe and intimate setting.

God has opened other doors for us in the past year- we have built relationships and partnerships with local crisis pregnancy centers, OB/GYN's, funeral homes, and are now reaching out to churches as well.  This has helped get the word out about the important work we are doing.  We also had the privilege of working with legislative PAC Idaho Chooses Life to help pass the Unborn Infant Dignity Act, which gives the parents who have suffered the loss of unborn children the right to a death certificate and the right to determine what happens to the child's remains.

As I said, a lot has happened in a year's time.  As I prepare this week to both send off a check to the IRS to complete our non-profit status, and to start Bereavement Doula classes, I am reminded of what God has done in such a short time.  I am excited for where God is taking us, apparently, in the near future.

In closing, I want to ask something of you.  We cannot do this alone- so I want to ask you to be a part of our team.  I ask for your prayers, both for the families we minister to, and for us at David's Hope.  We are still a very small operation when it concerns personnel- we have a small board of directors, trying to still work out the kinks as we grow much faster than expected.  So prayers for wisdom and guidance are greatly appreciated!  And financial support is greatly appreciated as well- everything we do, we offer at no charge to those we minister to.  Which means cost must be covered in other ways.

At the end of the day, we are so excited to see how things progress.  While we do not like the reality of sorrow, we understand also that it is a reality- and we are honored that God would choose to use us to minister to others.

A Note about Father's

From the moment a man finds out his wife is pregnant suddenly he is protecting her that much more, making sure she doesn’t lift anything too heavy, running out at 10 p.m. to get pistachio ice cream,--- and maybe pickles. He talks to his wife’s swollen belly, rubbing the baby he can’t yet feel, and certainly already falling in love.

So often in the case of miscarriage we focus on the mother and her loss, often forgetting the father or at least downplaying his grief. In a society that already views men’s emotions as a sign of weakness, as Christians we ought not to act this way.

People mistakenly think that if you bring up a sad subject it will make everyone sad and cause more pain. The opposite is true, for someone grieving a child the recognition of their child’s life and existence by family and friends is incredibly comforting. I promise you they are already thinking about their loss, they are already sad. Comforting them validates their emotions and allows them to grieve openly. It can make the difference between a day that they were just gritting their teeth to get through and a day where they felt the balm of kind words and the encouragement of fellow saints.

This Father’s Day if you know a father who has recently lost a child to miscarriage, give him the blessing of remembering his child. A simple asking, “how are you doing?” is enough.

 “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

Scars, Sons, and a Puppy

          

        Scars come in all shapes and sizes; you have them on your knees from learning to ride a bike, on your hands from accidently touching the hot pan, or maybe on your abdomen from a surgery. 

When we are hurt or cut, our body instantly sends collagen to the wound and very inefficiently distributes it, leaving a lasting reminder of our gash. Our skin can be left weaker and more tender, over time and special care the scar tissue can be stretched and “remodeled” to function properly, but if the wound is reopened again the process begins again and you are left with a mess.

           My husband and I sat down together last week and he said carefully, “We can’t keep him, we just can’t give him what he needs.” Although I logically agreed, it felt as though my scars were being ripped open-- my heart hurt.     

We got the dog last summer, just a few months after losing our son.  I have two daughters and a five-year-old son, so a boy dog seemed fitting—in our minds, if my son could not have his brother at least he could have a dog.  We picked him out from a litter our friends had.  He was a little piece of excitement for us; his loyal loving eyes stole our hearts. We named him Rufio and he brought a lot of chaos, and a lot of fun to our household.

            
         Through a series of unfortunate events over the last few months, it became clear to us that our neighborhood was not the best environment for him and by keeping the dog we may just be prolonging our children’s and our own inevitable pain.  My father in law wisely shared his opinion with my husband, confirming what we already knew-it was the right thing to let him go, he would be better off somewhere else.

            Telling my five year old that we were getting rid of his dog was a terrible moment as a mother. Holding him as he cried I was reminded how deep some scars run, they can thread their way deep into your body where there is more damage than the eye can see.

             Our pup was like the collagen in our family trying desperately to help close a wound he could never heal. As a family we threw our energy and focus on the dog, allowing the chaos of having a puppy distract us from what we didn’t have. 

            Giving him away was a logical and planned decision, but it didn’t change the fact that we felt helpless.  We tried to tell ourselves that he was just a dog, but he wasn’t, his entire place in our family had so much more significance, it was our feeble attempt at bringing at least a playmate in for our son.  We felt our scars opening, exposing the mess underneath letting us know there is still much healing that needs to be done.
          Saying good bye to a dog would never be so hard except for the connection between the loss of our baby and Rufio. It was a reminder that we are forever changed, that the death of our baby boy has left us more tender, and more easily wounded. We are not stronger, we are that much more dependent on God's strength and His mercy to get us through this life. Thankfully He is merciful and willing to carry us through.
           

     

Practical Tools for Dark Times

I hope the last few posts have helped you understand why God allows tragedy and who He is through it.

In the dark days of grief your mind may run away from you and it is difficult to keep the right perspective as Christian. I want to give you some practical ways to stir your affections for the Lord so that your mind and heart may be refreshed.

1.                 Music—Few things can stir emotion in the human heart like music. It can help so much to put your mind in the right place. When I need reminded of some good theology this is my favorite album. 

2.                 Stay in the Word—Sitting down and cracking open the bible may seem like a daunting task in the midst of grief. In this day and age we have the worlds best preachers and teachers at our fingertips. I am not suggesting that you stop reading your bible, but sometimes listening to a great teacher unpack the Word can be inspiring and incredibly comforting. These are my two favorites: Matt Chandler and Art Azuduria. 

3.                  Do not forsake the fellowship of the saints--The physical trauma of a miscarriage or stillbirth, along with the emotional drain of loss can make us want to hide away from the world but one of the purposes of belonging to a church is for such a time as this. So that the saints can build one another up and encourage each other.   Although we were fairly new to our church when we lost our son, we were surrounded by so much love by our church family. Their love for Christ showed through to us so clearly and truly helped carry us through. "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." (Hebrews 10:23-25) 

              If you are not currently attending a church we would be happy to help you find one in your area, please contact us.

         These are not meant to be band-aids, if you do these things you will not suddenly never be sad again. There are practical tangible things we can do that can help us want to love and trust Christ more, which can remind us of who he is when our circumstances are blinding us.

Growing in Grace and Knowledge Part 3: God's Grace in the Finality of Death

In our culture it seems trials are a badge of honor, something to overcome, to show our inner strength. We love to share what we have been through, what we have overcome. As Christians we speak of how the Lord brought us through tough circumstances and we have seen hope on the other side—the check was in the mail, the surgery went well, the cancer is gone. In these circumstances we rejoice we thank the Lord for his provision and we should—He is faithful.  When death comes along and takes away someone we love it becomes difficult to see the other side of our trial, we can’t see a way for God to provide. Death is so final—so permanent.  The ones we love are gone forever. Even if we do move on with our lives, there will always someone missing-- always.

            When in comes to miscarriage our culture seems to think that another baby will heal the pain, will solve the problem so to speak. Sure conceiving after loss is a blessing, a wonderful blessing but the truth is each baby is irreplaceable, a part of your family that will never be in any photograph. Even if you go on to conceive again, it will not change the fact that you miss whom you have lost. They had a life all their own, however short but complete.

            How then do we overcome these trials, how do we become stronger because we have lost someone we love so dearly? It does not seem like a good trade off to me. I do not want the ability to endure losing a child—I want my child.

            I will mourn my son until the day I die. My mother died over 20 years ago and I still feel the sting, still feel the loss. If I buy into the idea that through these losses I am simply a stronger better person, I have missed something. 

            The only lasting healing and strength from loss is from Jesus Christ.

             You may think now that I am beginning to repeat myself—and I am, but I am in good company I suppose because Paul in the epistles reminds us over and over again to look to Christ to remind us of His gracious gospel.

            If you have put your trust in the Lord, drawing near to him, he can give you the correct perspective of loss. He can grow you in grace and knowledge of Him. He can change your view of forever and always. Your soul can rest in knowing that although we may feel the sting and pain of death for the rest of this life, because Jesus went to the cross and took the penalty that we deserved we can have hope in eternity and eternity is much longer than we can even imagine.

     “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.” (Ephesians 1:7)

Growing in Grace Part 2: Counting our Trials Joy

           “Count it all Joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.” James 1:2-3

            Count it joy because of Christ. Count it joy because our hope is not in this world but in the world to come. Count it joy because God will take this pain and he will refine you and shape you into the image of His son.

It hurts now, God does not dismiss that. God does not say to act joyfully, or even to feel joy—He says to count it all joy. That means that despite our limited perspective we can know that God is doing something good in and through this.

How is God’s goodness displayed in tragedy? Why would the death of our young babies be good? Truly I don’t have all the answers of why God uses tragedy, but I can say that through tragedy God takes things we only think about Him and makes them into things we know about Him. God is not after our comfort He is after our righteousness. Whatever pain we might endure in this life is not to lead us into sin or to break us—or for us to even find strength within ourselves. God’s sole purpose in our trials, temptations, and pain is to bring Himself glory. We might think then, that we don’t want to bring Him glory, but we forget that God is good, His kindness is everlasting. His glory is always for our good. He displays it in the grace and mercy that He will pour into you in your darkest time, giving us His strength. The end goal of your tragedy is more of Christ.

So instead of shaking our fists at God, or wallowing in our lack of understanding, let us trust in Him. In who His word says He is. We can count it joy because God is giving us more of Him, he is “conforming us into the image of His Son” (Romans 8:29) Jesus is the ultimate treasure and a deeper, fuller relationship with Him should always be our goal as Christians.

“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 9:37)